


Perishing Fears

by Clueingforlooks221B



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 03:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3712930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clueingforlooks221B/pseuds/Clueingforlooks221B
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His blue eyes have turned dark, full of fury and something deeper within the depths of them. I've never seen his eyes look like this before, and it sends a shiver up my spine, and not the good kind. Disgust sits on his face, and he looks as if he has just noticed me for the first time. His grip tightens on the gun he is holding, and it bites hard into his skin. </p><p>Jim has a nightmare, and a hard time believing that Sebastian is going to stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perishing Fears

_A full moon hangs in the sky, bathing the land in a soft white glow. The white glow is broken every so often by several street lamps. The streets are silent and drip with shadows that Sebastian and I pour onto the brick walls around us._

_My footfalls ring on the pavement and my heart thuds in my ears. Sebastian is running in front of me, gun in his hand. "Sebastian stop!" I yell, but that only makes him run faster. Panic rips through me. Why isn't he listening to me? Red engulfs my face, both from the cold and anger. Making me run in my suit, Sebastian is going to pay for this. He sharply turns a corner, and I'm gaining speed on him._

_I come to an abrupt stop, trying to catch my breath. What I found sent my blood curling like fire through my veins and into my fists. He is leaning casually against a wall, looking perfectly calm, as if everything is normal. I clench my fists, but quickly realize that I can't feel them. My hands are bright red and hurt. I stare up at Sebastian, and he stares off to his right, watching the empty road. He pulls his coat tighter around him to warn off the cold. A small breeze whispers over my skin, leaving a burning sensation behind. I can feel the coldness seeping into my bones, and I'm beginning to loose the feeling in my toes too._

_I growl out in exasperation, and stalk the pavement up and down in front of him. Secretly I'm hoping the movement will help me to regain some of the feeling in my limbs. I open up my mouth to ask what the hell he was doing, but stop when he stares straight at me. His blue eyes have turned dark, full of fury and something deeper within the depths of them. I've never seen his eyes look like this before, and it sends a shiver up my spine, and not the good kind. Disgust sits on his face, and he looks as if he has just noticed me for the first time. His grip tightens on the gun he is holding, and it bites hard into his skin._

_"Why don't you just let me go?" His voice is rough and harsh._

_I frown, "What?"_

_I don't know where this is all coming from, just minutes ago we had been sitting on the couch snuggling and watching television. Then he suddenly stood up and ran out the door._

_"Hah. Gosh you're pathetic. Can't you see? I don't want to be with you. For a consulting criminal I thought you would be a lot smarter than this." He offers me a smile so full of bitterness that I can taste it in the back of my throat._

_I slowly walk backwards, and the blood flashes icy in my veins. I want to say 'what?' but I know that that's the wrong question to ask. I know what he said, the real question would be,_

_"Why?"_

_He barks out a laugh, but then his face turns serious. He feigns pity, "Aww you really don't know, do you?" Then he smirks, "Jim Moriarty, the Moriarty, actually doesn't know something I'm shocked."_

_I glare at him, but not with much venom. My whole chest aches, and I feel cold but not the kind of cold I was before. A different kind of cold, almost like I am empty and hollow. There's a long stretch of silence, begging to be filled. But I don't know what to say. My voice would betray me anyways if I spoke. If I talked he would defiantly be able to detect the hurt in my voice. I put the mask on my face, I can't let him have the satisfaction of knowing that I am hurt._

_"I never loved you Jim. I was only playing a game with you. Unlike everyone else, I knew the way to play the game to my advantage. I knew what you wanted to hear, and the actions you wanted me to take. It was too easy. Because of playing kiss up, I got everything I wanted. Free living space, free beer, and the ability to kill whoever I want and do whatever I want with absolutely no chance of getting in trouble. Of course I wasn't expecting our relationship to advance this far. At first you were a good fuck, but after awhile you were boring. I thought you'd be into the kinky stuff but all you wanted was passionate loving sex. Boring."_

_I want to beg him to stop. The words are already on repeat, circling in my brain. I know that they will never go away, and I will hear them echoing in my ears for the rest of my life. But he continues, "After awhile, it became too much. Living with you is the worst thing I've ever had to do, and that says a lot considering that I went to war. You're annoying and a child who pesters me to no end. You blast your music too loud and have problems. You're a freak who's stuck in a make believe fairy tale." My insides are tangling me up in knots. I feel sick, I want to vomit. I feel my composure cracking, and desperation and sorrow leaking onto my face. I swallow the words he keeps throwing at me, and a large lump begins to form in my throat. Breathing starts to become more difficult. I clench my fists, trying to anchor myself to reality._

_"You can't even be the same person, you're three different people. A child, a businessman, and a freak of nature. It's a miracle I made it this far being with you honestly." Sebastian's words smack me, and make huge waves. My insides are writhing, and burning with hurt at the words being directed at me._

_He pulls the gun up, angling it to his left temple. "Well I can't do this anymore, I'd rather die than be with you."_

_My world stops. I can't breathe but my heart continues to pound harshly in my chest. Tears prickle in the back of my eyes. "No." I breath out, but it's too quiet._

_"NO!" I screech and I feel like my throat is tearing apart. I'm shacking, but I no longer care. Sebastian can't die, he can leave me, but dying is too far. "I'll change! I'll be whatever you want me to be."_

_He shakes his head, a smile plastered across his face. "Then you're more desperate than I thought. I don't want any part to do with you. You're hideous. I had to imagine I was fucking someone else just to get hard."_

_Another sharp pang in my heart. This time my pleas escape, "No stop, please." I throw my hands over my ears, trying to block out his words. But it's too late, they've already settled deep inside me, nestled in the crooks of my brain._

_"What? You can't handle the truth? You're a lot weaker than I thought. Goodbye Moriarty, I can't say that it was a pleasure." Then before I can yell out, he aims the gun to his chest and pulls the trigger._

_But it feels like that my chest had been shot instead. I gasp for air, the smoke escapes my mouth and curls into the atmosphere._

_Sebastian falls to the floor and I rush to his side. His eyes stare up at me, but I know that he's not seeing anything. The color begins to drain from his eyes, leaving them to be a sickly pale blue._

_"No Sebby." Tears fall from my eyes, onto his face._

_I press my hands over the bullet wound, attempting to stop the blood that's pouring out of him. The warmth of the liquid burns, and stains my hands crimson. This was the life of the man who meant the most to me, spilling through my fingers. He's slipping away from me, and there's nothing that I can do about it._

_I scream until my throat is raw, and sob until my ribs ache and yell for me to stop. I gasp for air, but am unable to get any._

_"SEBASTIAN!" I yell to an empty sky. No one is listening, no one is there. I cradle his head in my lap, and the blood continues to flood down his chest. I smell the bitter copper everywhere, and swear that I can taste it on the tip my tongue._

_I look down at him, and stroke his blonde hair. I shake my head frantically. "Tiger. 'Bastian. You bastard! You can't leave me! You're not aloud to!" I'm shaking uncontrollably, but can't find it in myself to try and stop. I can't see anything, my vision is full of dots and blurry. I scream and everything in me pounds rapidly. I want to escape, I want to leave. "SEBASTIAN! SEBAS-"_

* * *

 

"Sebastian!" I bolt up, throwing the sweaty covers off my lap. I can feel my blood siphoning south, rushing through my veins and plummeting in my heart, filling it with heat and urgency. My heart beat quickens and echoes loudly in my ears, shattering my brain. I look down at my hands, searching for any signs of blood. No blood. My lungs scream for air, and I fight the urge to gasp for air. Instead I force myself to breath in for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and exhale for eight seconds. No matter how many times I do this, the method never helps me calm down. With shaky hands, I rub the tears and sweat off my face. My face remains damp, and I growl out in frustration.

Throwing myself back down on my mattress, I look over at the clock. Two-thirty four in the morning. Looks like that's all the sleep I will be getting. I clench the sheets until my fingers go numb, trying to make the shaking stop. I tighten my jaw, and stare up at the ceiling. But it's blurry, everything is blurry. Warm water begins to leak down my face. No it's not water, it's tears. I blink rapidly and my vision clears, but soon goes blurry again. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to stop the flood of sentiment from escaping.

Distract my mind, that's what I needed to do. I went to bed at one, but only because Sebastian forced me to. Suddenly I heard footsteps thudding up the stairs. Speak of the devil. Cold, biting panic begins to prickle along my skin. I swallow down the fear threatening to choke me. Fear is a weakness, a burden. I look around at the room, everything is drenched in moonlight. Good, Sebastian won't be able to see me.

The door is kicked open, and Sebastian barges in, gun in hand. I can feel myself paling at the sight of him holding a gun. Light from the hall way light floods into the room. His head whips to the right, and then to the left, eyes scanning the room. Slowly he lowers his gun.

"Jim? You ok?"

I turn my back to him, throwing the covers over my face. Feigning tiredness, I grumble out, "Wh-" I pause, my voice has raised in pitch.

I clear my throat, trying again. "What Moran?"

I can practically hear his frown from across the room. He knows that I only call him Moran when don't want to talk to him or am annoyed with him. I hear his footsteps inching towards me, slowly.

"I heard you scream for me."

I feel the mattress dip by my feet. He sat down. Wonderful. That means that he isn't going to leave until I talk. I know I can't pretend I didn't scream, because he obviously heard me.

"It was just a stupid dream, I'm fine." I clench my teeth together, hissing out the words.

"Didn't sound like a stupid dream to me. Jim you sounded terrified and in pain. I know you haven't been sleeping lately," He reaches out and touches my shin, and begins to rub soothing circles onto it. "please, just, talk to me."

I shake my head, I know he can see the movement of the sheet around my head moving.

Suddenly he pounces on me, just like the tiger he is, that bastard. He wrestles the sheet off me and pins my hands above my head so that I can't cover my face. He stares straight into my eyes. His look of determination and frustration melted into one of empathy. I scowl, but it probably comes out weak. With his free hand, he takes his thumb and rubs the drying tears off of my cheeks.

Then he lowers his head, resting it on my chest. My heartbeat has calmed, but is still beating faster than normal. I wonder if he notices. I breath in through my nose, and can smell his shampoo with a hint of cigarettes. He exhales into my chest, spreading warmth down to my stomach.

"Come on Kitten, talk to me. What was your dream about?" He lifts his head and stares back into my eyes again. My heart flutters at the word of endearment, he hardly ever calls me that.

I think that's what makes me loose it, honestly. Between that, the caring look in his eyes- a look I never thought anyone would direct towards me- the lack of sleep, and the dream; the brim of my eyes fill up with tears again. I try to hold them back, because I know that once one falls a whole flood will come. I can't cover them this time, not with his hand holding down my hands.

I turn my face away, trying to smother it into my pillow. I purse my lips together, and my chest begins to shake. Tears flood down my face, burning the tip of my nose and the back of my eyes. Sebastian tilts my chin up, so that I'm looking at him again. His thumb is back, wiping at the tears. But it's no use, more continue to flood down. Soon the need for air becomes too much, and my gasp for air turns into a sob. He smiles softly. Why is he smiling?

"Shh, come here." He pulls me up and tugs me into his chest.

I lay my head into the crook of his neck and surrender. Ugly embarrassing noises leave me. I sound like a gasping fish, no more like seal, out of the water. I continue to shake, and one hand rubs at my back while the other rubs at the back of my head. He begins cooing me, as if I truly were a little kitten. If anyone else tried to do this to me, I would have skinned them and turned them into a nice floor rug.

I breath in the scent of Sebastian, and soon my tremors stop. He's always had that special touch to him. No matter what situation I was in, he could always calm me down. Which never fails to fascinate me, because even I can't calm myself down when I panic. I guess that's why I am so afraid to loose him, because of how much I need him. Not that I'll ever admit that. But Sebastian is clever and probably already knows this, which fills me with both humiliation and hope that he will stay.

He pulls me back, and I immediately miss the warmth of his chest. His hands rest on my shoulders, providing warmth to them and I lean into his hands. The soft smile on his face twitches into a larger one.

"Come on Jim, the faster you talk to me the sooner you will feel better."

"I feel fine." I lie. My voice is clogged up from all the mucus in my nose. I didn't feel a hundred percent better, but I felt good enough to get up and start working. In a couple of hours I'll be back to normal.

Working sounds good right now, a good distraction. I try to get up but his hands tighten on my shoulder blades.

"Nope. Whatever this is has been bothering you and will continue to until you talk."

He frowns down at me, and I glare back.

"What do you know?"

His eyes flare up with venom and he glares at me. Inwardly I shrink back, I've struck a nerve. I search my mind for what I've done wrong, and freeze. Yes, I remember now. When he first moved in, he had a lot of nightmares. When he would wake up, he used to tell me about them. He never cried, but his voice carried a lot of grief and I remember the distant far away look his eyes he got when he told me about them. The sad part about his dreams, were that most of them were memories.

His glare becomes too much, it's burning something deep inside of me. My heart hurts, and I break eye contact. I stare down at my fingers, intertwining them. I peek back up, and he's still glaring at me.

I remember the dream. The amount of poison in his glare I never knew was possible to be directed towards a person, now being directed towards me. I begin to shake again, cursing at the direction of my thoughts. But I can't help but wonder, is my dream right? Is it really going to happen? Is Sebastian going to leave me? I'm beginning to think that the answer is yes. No one has ever stuck around. Why would he be any different? My father told me when I was young that I am unlovable, and I think he is right.

Tears burn at the back of my eyes again, and the image of my fingers looped together begins to blur. I keep my head down, trying to calm myself down. There is a huge lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow around.

I feel hot breath by my ear, and Sebastian places a warm kiss on my cheek. A silent apology, although he really isn't the one that needs to be doing the apologizing.

I let my eyes slip close, and when I open them they're free of any gathering tears. My voice catches, but I push past it steadily.

"I-in my dream." My voice wavers and I clear my throat.

I force myself to continue, "We were running. It was cold and dark. You were ahead of me, and wouldn't stop running no matter how many times I hollered. You were holding a gun," I begin to talk faster, "Then you were leaning up against a wall acting calm. I paced in front of you. Then you," I pause when I feel Sebastian rubbing my back, I know he's telling me to breath and slow down. Why can't I just say it? It is just a dream.

I take a deep breath, "Then you basically told me you didn't want to be with me, and that you'd rather die. You held the gun to your head, then to your chest, I tried to stop you. I begged but then you-" I purse my lips together and close my eyes, the stinging sensation in the back of my eyes and tip of my nose is back. Sebastian rubs harder in my back, making me aware that his presence is still here. That he's here for me.

I let out a shaky breath. "You shot yourself. I begged you to stay, but you left." I look down at my hand, playing with my fingers again.

He whistles, "Damn that's pretty intense."

He shakes his head. "Now why would I leave you? That's ridiculous, I could never leave you."

I scoff and look up at him. One of his eyebrows is quirked, and his eyes are clouded with confusion. I blink, and my face turns blank. He's being serious.

He frowns, and his eyebrows crinkle together. "You thought I was joking?"

I look back down at my fingers.

"Oh my fucking," He pauses, obviously trying to calm himself down. "Jim seriously?"

I turn my hands over, studying the palms of them. With one finger, I trace the lines of my palm.

"Jim. Look at me." The voice holds the commanding military I'm not messing around tone.

I look up and am met with stormy blue eyes. His eyes have a raging sea of emotions going on within them.

"Jim, I'm not leaving. I love you, and only you."

His face is completely serious, but I still don't believe him. Part of that infuriates me, I feel like I should. I owe that to him. But another part of me says that I have every reason not to believe him.

I shake my head, and look past his shoulder to the door that's open a crack.

He huffs out air through his nose, which blows on my face. "Jim talk to me. Why don't you believe me?"

I look at him, meeting him dead on in his eyes. Anger courses through my blood. "Why should I? No ones ever loved me, no ones ever stayed. You have so many reasons that don't involve love to stay, and so many reasons why you would want to leave me."

The anger dies at the end, fading to sadness. My gaze falls down to my lap. I hear him softly laugh, and I frown.

He grabs my chin lightly, tilting my head so that I'm looking up at him. "If you were anyone else I would've been offended that you didn't trust me by now. I would've probably stormed out of the room," he stops, small smile fading.

His face turns serious. "Jim I need you to listen to me, and to trust me. I love you and I am not going to leave. Life sucked for me before I met you, but once I did you brought me thrill and adventure. Now I wake up, looking forward for something to do. At first it was about the thrill of killing people, but now it's about the thrill of knowing that I'm protecting you and being by your side. I love watching people shake in fear when they see you, the amount of control you have over them. Or the people who don't know who you are, and watching them dig themselves their own graves." Sebastian laughs, and looks down at me.

I don't even have the energy to point out how sickening that was. So much sentiment. I fight the smile twitching at my lips. There's still doubt that lingers in my mind.

He must have been able to see the doubt sitting in my eyes. He sighs, getting up. My heart stops. Is this it? It must be, he's going to leave.

"No Jim, I'm not leaving you." He bends down and pecks me on the lip.

Relief floods through me, and I close my eyes.

"Since you still don't believe me, I'm going to prove it to you."

And then, he's gone. I hear his feet descending down the stairs and sigh, wondering what he's up to.

Soon the door flies open again, softly banging into the wall. The main light flicks on, temporarily blinding me and burning my eyes. I growl out in pain, shielding my eyes from the harsh glow. Sebastian erupts in laughter.

I open my eyes, squinting in the light. "What?" I glare at him.

He laughs, "Your hair is a mess. I'm not used to seeing your hair stick up at odd angles, it's adorable."

If anyone else ever told me that I would have shot them on the spot.

His laughter dies off and he walks over, standing at the foot of the bed. "James Moriarty. The man who holds all the keys. The keys to all of the banks, prisons, museums, and so much more. But most importantly the man who holds the key," he pauses and looks disgusted to say this, "to my heart. I hate saying stuff like this. It's so fucking cliché. And sentimental, and I know how you feel about sentimental stuff. But I think it's important for you to hear it sometimes, I think you need to hear it. I don't think I say it enough. I don't think I show you how much I love you enough." Guilt shines in his eyes and I frown.

It isn't supposed to happen this way. He's done nothing wrong, he's the one that does everything right. I open my mouth, but he shakes his head. The frown remains on my face, but I let him continue.

"I love you. I'll say it a thousand times, how ever many times you need to hear it before you believe it. And when I love something, I never let it go. I'm too selfish. You're so concerned about me leaving, you never think about that situation happening the other way around. What if you wanted to leave? The problem would be getting me to go. I would never leave your side, to get rid of me, you'd have to kill me. But being killed by you, I think I'd be ok with that. Because it'd be you."

He smiles fondly, and I stare at him with complete puzzlement.

"Look, what I'm saying is that I'm never going to leave. I'm completely loyal to you, and will always love you. My question tonight is, are you the same way with me? I wasn't planning on doing this tonight but, I think this is the best way that I can prove to you that you're never going to get rid of me,"

He gets down on one knee in front of my bed, and I openly gasp. No, he can't be.

"James Morarity. Consulting criminal, boss, partner, my thrill in life, my Kitten," he grins fondly at that, then stares straight into my eyes, "will you marry me?"

I blink, and then blink again. This is real, this is really happening. My heart starts to slam against my ribcage and I try to say yes but it comes out as a strangled choked sound. Warm liquid is racing down my cheeks.

But then I can't help but wonder. I clear my throat, "Are you sure?"

He growls out in frustration, "Yes you idiot I'm the one who's asking the question, you're supposed to answer it."

I begin to nod my head frantically, and am shaking again. "Yes."

All the nervousness is swept from his face, replaced by happiness. He grabs my hand and slides the ring onto my finger. I rapidly blink trying to clear my vision so that I can see the ring. It's beautiful. Although I could care less about what the ring looks like, it could be a soda cap for all I care. The most important part is what it symbolizes. The ultimate proof that Sebastian is never going to leave me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think, if there are any errors let me know and I will fix them. 
> 
>  
> 
> Instagram: @clueingforlooks221b  
> FF.net: @clueingforlooks221b


End file.
